This article articulates my feelings of being isolated, loneliness and worries especially during night time.

Throughout my decade long journey, I am very blessed and lucky to be surrounded by people I love and who love me. Back then, when I was having delusions, I often felt like I have been misunderstood. I would feel very lonely and would start messaging people I know, desperate to get a reply. I am no longer like that now. Instead, I am calmer. I may tear up but I still continue with my tasks, doing them at my own pace and ride out the moment.

A couple of years ago, I cut off all relationships that I deemed toxic, for the betterment of my mental health. I am now selective in whom I keep in touch with. Over time, I find that I do not really want to mingle unnecessarily with people. I am fine with society, but I would rather treat them cordially and mind my own business.

These days, I have thoughts that I am annoyed with people and would often like to be alone, other than be with my mother. I prefer my alone time these days. However, I do communicate with my friends regularly through messages. Once in a while, I meet up with members of my extended family. I enjoy these times a lot.

At times, I do feel really isolated from the people I know due to covert pressure around me. The voices and thoughts public shaming, mocking and testing me is the new reality that I faced at times when I see online feeds that seemed to be insinuating. I realised it is the internet algorithm and online reels which I find most difficult to wean, that contributes to the negative thoughts playing in my mind. Otherwise, my day is often quite peaceful if I stay in my own space doing activities to progress and carry out my routine.

It gets painful at night especially when I am battling the delusions. I thought everyone condoned those voices that hurt me. I once had thoughts that the world would not wait for me and I have to learn to live alone. Sometimes, I have delusions that even my family is working together and supporting them in punishing me for life. I hate these delusions but do not wish to question anymore. I cannot deny there are times I feel like giving up due to frustration but I held on and persevere. I truly understand that these delusions are beyond my control and I just have to let them slide and learn to move forward.

I picked up many necessary skills during this ten years in order to live independently, without relying on others in future. I do not know what the future holds but I just hope to be ready and able to tackle whatever obstacles I may faced. I tell myself to be strong and courageous, not to worry too much and to cross the bridge when I come to it. I hope to be more capable by then. As the saying goes “Que Sera, Sera”.