Symptoms / Habits I Have Had

Throughout the years, I have had numerous symptoms or habits while living with schizophrenia. There were days I would experience immense chest pain and chest constrictions due to mental stress caused by the voices and intrusive thoughts. When the pain reverberates, I will experience a sharp pain in my heart. On some nights, there is this feeling of “rawness” in my chest that leads to great pain. I would end up being very annoyed and could only lament about these symptoms to my family. At times, when the feelings of “rawness” intensified, I feel as if there is imminent harm coming my way. I would feel better after taking my medications. Thankfully, I learned to cope and to manage over time.

I often had to deal with insinuations back then. It was thoroughly overwhelming for me. I shared my concern with my family, and we talked about it. They would advise me on how to get over it. However, there are times I feel dejected as nothing seems to work. At times like that, I find no point in talking about it. I felt lost, but I did not give up. I tried finding ways to lessen these feelings. Along the way, I pick up some coping skills to handle such situations, especially when they happen during shower time. I would indulge myself with fragrant shower items to make myself feel better.

Back then, feelings of deja vu heavily clouded my life. A strange feeling would come over me as the situations I was in seemed repetitive. The experiences seemed so weird and overwhelming. My thoughts would ramble and become what I would describe as a “tsunami” of thoughts. Over time, I learned to overcome those torturous thoughts and to continue with my daily activities. It was tough to handle this phase of my life. I am grateful for my supportive family who have been constantly by my side as I manoeuvred this journey. My mother and sister would advise me to “touch the grass” and get in touch with reality instead of being sucked into my delusions.

I would often sulk and tend to isolate myself in my room. I felt that human relationships are complex, and I had no interest or the mood to deal with them. Due to the insinuations and harassment from the voices, plus what I was going through daily, the situation intensified. I would then form a bond with the voices and be drawn into them. Sadly, this led to arguments with my family. However, I tried my best to focus on my daily activities as a form of distraction. I felt tired, mentally and physically, carrying this invisible burden over the years. Luckily for me, I tend to forget easily, and every day is like a brand new day, except that I feel worn out after prolonged stress and trauma due to my condition.

Then came a time when I developed a bad habit of scratching and pinching the skin on my arms, thighs, and back. Whenever I was stressed, I would unconsciously use it as a coping mechanism to ease my anxiety. Small scars would form, and I would feel upset. I was not mindful enough, but my mother would remind me to stop the habit each time she noticed. After some time, the habit stopped completely, thankfully.

Talking to myself when I am stressed is also a habit that cropped up suddenly over the years. I have been constantly reminded to stop, as I might do so unconsciously when outdoors. I released my emotions and expressed myself by venting verbally. I find it very therapeutic in a way. Somehow, I am aware not to do so in public or in the presence of others. However, I caught myself mumbling slightly on two occasions while I was outdoors. I told myself to be more mindful now. It is not a good habit, after all. In the past, when I was in the shower, I would hear the voices of a group of men muttering and laughing. The experience is traumatising indeed. These days, I have it way much easier as the intimidation has reduced immensely.

As of now, I feel pressured into apologising to the voices almost daily. It actually sickens me that I have to do so for no particular reason at all. It hurts my self-confidence and self-esteem. My sister advised me not to if I do not want to. Focus on continuing my growth and progression instead. Continue to achieve what I had planned on doing for the day.

To me, every habit or symptom that cropped up over the years is just a phase and usually lasts for a short period.