As I gazed out of the window, looking at the view of my neighbourhood, I reminisced about the times when I could only crouch while showering, crying non-stop as if someone had passed away, and having no hope at all to carry on. My future seemed bleak, and I was unable to sit up or even interact with my family. I could only spend my time lying down or sewing felt dolls. Doing chores or carrying out daily activities was totally out of the picture. It was a painful and torturous past. I prayed desperately to God for help.

Over the years, I have found major improvements in my condition. Below is a list of the changes and improvements I see in myself.

– Waking up with ease without feeling depressed or not wanting to move at all
– Making my bed upon waking up
– Doing chores quite efficiently
– Read many books compared to only a few lines back then
– Going outdoors whenever I wish
– Buying groceries and making payments with ease
– Having a lot of goals and working towards them
– Progressing and growing consistently
– Communicating with others instead of avoiding them
– Assimilating into society
– Having a stronger body physically through an exercise routine
– Learned to be happy being alone
– Able to handle emergencies
– No longer afraid of people
– Very resilient compared to the past
– Cooking simple recipes
– Dining outdoors for an hour or so with ease before my racing thoughts take over
– Navigating in the city easily, as my directional skills have gotten better
– Fixing DIY furniture and painting the walls of my house
– Watching dramas/shows on TV with the sound on, no matter the genre
– The severity of mood swings had lessened
– Awkwardness and uncomfortable feelings, being in the midst of a crowd, had lessened considerably
– Able to feel joy

Looking back on these achievements made me realise that I have come a long way indeed. However, there are issues that I still need to work on :

– Isolating myself when my mood swings take over
– Crying heart-wrenchingly off and on
– Random racing thoughts that are tough to stop when they hit
– Dark intrusive thoughts that do not represent me
– Feelings that my image had been ruined

I hope to overcome them by continuing to move forward with determination.

Overall, I can live life like others. My family mentioned that they cannot see anything amiss looking at me. At most, I seem slightly more sensitive compared to others. Of course, there were depressing and painful episodes throughout the journey, but I also experienced joyful times along the way. Needless to say, I am proud of myself for not giving up!

p/s : Cried badly yesterday after a short vacation. Taking it as one of the not-so-good days. Bounced back and wrote this article.