For starters, I personally think that schizophrenics in general do have dark and twisted thoughts. Some even have super dark thoughts. The level of severity differs individually and at different phases of the schizophrenic journey. For example, back then I have thoughts with words such as “rape”, “kill” or even “poison”.

I have thoughts of hurting myself or my mother in the past when I was unmedicated. It was a very difficult period for me. I was also tested and pressured daily by the voices. I imagined myself as a character in a drama drinking poison or that I poisoned someone. There were times I hear machine-like sounds which were truly unbearable until I vomited. It was horrible. I could recalled I was shaking with anger and crying my eyes out. The important thing is I did not act upon these thoughts. These are all flying thoughts. From what I understood, we roughly have 70,000-90,000 thoughts per day of which 90% of it is rubbish.

After seeking professional help, I started on medication. In the early stages, I have suspicions that my medications were tampered with. After some time, I gradually got better.

During the Covid pandemic when lockdown measures were enforced, I stayed in for 3 years. Being trapped in the house is akin to being in a “box” with voices playing in the background like a broken record daily non-stop is definitely really tough. Not being able to go outdoors worsened the condition. It took a toll on my mental health. Imagine being trapped at home listening to rock songs 24/7 to try to drown the voices. Nevertheless, I am thankful I managed to overcome the situation twice in a decade.

I read about scriptwriters who write about crimes and horror being praised for their work especially if the show is a success. Why can’t schizophrenics with such intrusive thoughts (which are not theirs, to begin with) be understood in the same manner? They should not be deemed as dangerous as long as they do not act upon it. What is more dangerous is the stigma and ignorance of the public regarding schizophrenics.

My psychiatrist once mentioned that schizophrenics having dark fantasies are totally normal. Thoughts are not actions. They do not define us. Such thoughts can be rather sticky, unfortunately. I am still having a tough time dealing with such thoughts due to my high moral values and principles. I am still working on how to better manage these thoughts.

If you act upon your thoughts, then it is very dangerous. Get help immediately from those whom you trust or seek assistance from mental health professionals.

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