How I Learned To Feel Joy As A Schizophrenic

As a schizophrenic, I have experienced these never ending numbness of feelings. I hope to experience joy but just was not able to. At the beginning stages of having schizophrenia, I was really numb and could not even feel any emotion. My feelings were all suppressed and I do not know how to express them. I would only lie down and cry. I was in my own world. I could not even respond to my family. This went on for a few years.

Based on personal experience, the more I remained idle, the more I ruminate on the thoughts, spiralling deeper into delusions. I have a bad habit of reading social media posts or doom scrolling which I know is bad. I am trying to put a stop to this unhealthy act or to at least cut down on it.

Over the years, as I grew and progressed, I began to experience different stages of emotions. I will cry if I am frustrated or irritated. I feel a bit of joy and excitement if there is something I look forward to. I am glad to be able to experience happiness, no matter how fleeting. However, I feel that joy is very subjective to every individual. I find myself feeling happy in simple things like being in car ride, drinking a cup of tea from my favourite porcelain tea cup, eating my favourite fruit, having a good lunch, covering myself with a soft blanket and chatting with my sister every night.

I feel especially happy and proud having the freedom to make decisions on my own, having the confidence and power to handle situations, navigating around the city and leading my mother, having the strength to carry and move heavy stuff, having the wisdom to find the best solution to complete a task and the ability to carry out my daily routine.

Every art work that I produced leaves me satisfied and beaming with pride. Every language that I self-learned leads me nearer to my dream of becoming a polyglot. Every article and publication that I produced heightened my confidence by leaps and bounds. Despite having the intrusive thoughts and voices, I am thankful to be able to feel positive emotions once again.

I am the type whose love language is gifting my loved ones and sharing joy. I love to hug my mother as it gives me much comfort, although we may have misunderstandings due to differences in opinions. I feel great when I am treated with kindness. I like giving reviews and feedback as I believe that if one does well, he/ she should be praised and given due compliments. These kinds of small acts give me joy.

Different people have different interpretations of joy. What works for me may not work for you, warriors. However, if you grow and progress, you may feel accomplished. That may spark a bit of joy in you. It may be just a bit, but it will improve eventually and hopefully grow more. You need to keep trying to find what can pick you up from the numbness, dull feelings of sadness, and pain.

I hope the best for you warriors to have the courage and resilience to keep trying and never give up. Be brave to take one step at a time and continue to go forward. This journey is definitely not a bed of roses, but it can be manageable.

You are worth it!