Feelings Of Being Cornered

Have any of you warriors ever felt cornered by the voices? Have you felt like they dig up your past and ‘dirt’ daily, and have them broadcast to others? Ever felt as though people are gossiping about you and waiting for your downfall? I have been feeling this way for a few years. Besides, I have been having nightmares off and on for nearly a decade, making me think that the voices hypnotised me during my sleep.

When I wake up early in the morning, I become irritated. I will even feel pressured by the neighbourhood cars driving away. After having breakfast, I would carry on with my daily routine. Sometimes, my mother would give me reminders or advice on how to improve myself. Although I understand her good intentions, it can be quite stressful, as my mind is not really ready for such talk in the morning.

When we go outdoors, whether it is for lunch or to buy groceries, we usually meet up with people who are kind and friendly. Of course, there are times we bump into unfriendly people, but I try not to let it affect my mood.

Having a meal at restaurants is not as easy as it seems, especially with my condition. I will easily feel triggered by the surroundings. I once saw a metallic blue car with a sticker that says “Do Not Trust Anyone” in Japanese. Instantly, I feel the need to be on guard. If I happen to see another similar car, it will remind me of the previous time, and I will start to feel anxious. When a song was played in the restaurant, I felt like being tested to guess who the singer was. I correctly guessed the singer and remembered he had been implicated in a cheating scandal before. I felt insinuated that I had also cheated.

I would be drawn to online posts that are detrimental to my mental health. The reels would make me very depressed and upset. I would feel emotionally numbed and drained after the doomed scrolling. I have been trying my utmost to stay away, but it is proving to be a seriously difficult task. The effort is still unsuccessful to date.

Whenever I read, I feel insinuated, for example, a story about a girl begging or apologising. I will feel that is what the voices want me to do, and get irritated over it. Another book is about the habits of a happy brain, where tests were carried out on reptiles or monkeys. Theories of animals isolated because they are predators or reptiles abandoning their young, as is their nature. Stories that touch on negative issues bring me discomfort. I will, somehow, relate it to myself. I find the discussion insinuating, as if the book is talking about me. This will then affect and trigger my mood.

Before I shower, I see the neighbours driving into their driveways. I feel pressured as if they are coming back to listen to me taking a shower, which, of course, is not the case. Besides, I also feel as though I am being monitored by a group of voices that are actively talking about me whenever I shower. The voices will say words like “Pity you”, even after more than a decade. However, these days, they do not laugh at me.

I have spoken to my psychiatrist, who said this is suspiciousness, one of the symptoms of schizophrenia. This is how I perceive things daily, battling with suspicions and insinuations. However, I must say that life is definitely better after a decade of living with schizophrenia. Nearly 90% of the voices are gone. Now, it is more about managing my obsessive thoughts. Although it does not disrupt my normal functioning, it is another battle I need to overcome.