One of my uncles passed away recently. There was much hesitation about whether or not to attend the wake, as I knew it would be really tough on me mentally. Finally, I braved myself and went there with my mother to offer our condolences and pay our last respects to him.

We arrived at the funeral parlour after a shaky, uncomfortable cab ride. The funeral parlour was incredibly noisy and crowded. I felt slightly claustrophobic. Then, I saw a guy who looked like my brother-in-law from behind. Anyway, we proceeded to the hall where my uncle was laid to rest. His family received us, and we became emotional. I met more of my relatives whom I had not seen for over ten years. I was rather awkward initially. After a while, I made an effort to make small talk with my aunt and console her. I also spoke to one of my other aunts.

All of a sudden, a sexual thought intruded into my mind, and it went into a loop for nearly 15 minutes!! Not only was it embarrassing, but it was also inappropriate, given the situation. Worse still, I thought that others could hear my thoughts. I heard voices laughing and people chatting. Although I do not really care whether people may hear my thoughts or not (thoughts broadcasting), it was still fairly uncomfortable to have such intrusive thoughts around my relatives.

Luckily, all the relatives were kind and friendly. We continued catching up for almost 4 hours. I managed to push aside the awkwardness and had good conversations with some of my close cousins and aunts. Without warning, again came the intrusive and embarrassing thoughts linked to kissing, sexual thoughts, and handsome men, which I find totally ridiculous. The thoughts went into a loop once more, becoming uncontrollable. This time, I told myself to let the thoughts say the worst and get it over and done with. I was already mentally exhausted.

Sometimes I find myself apologising to my thoughts. My brain also misinterpreted words horribly. I heard a voice in my mind saying she did not like me, which made me uncomfortable. However, most of the time, I was able to keep myself engaged in conversations. I assisted an aunt to the washroom and made small talk along the way.

The whole experience was bearable for me. It was not tough at all. Just that my mood was slightly dampened due to my thoughts. I was rather proud of myself, though, as I managed to say and do everything that I wanted to. Sometimes, I wish I were not so much of an introvert. However, it is difficult for me to be talkative and sociable. However, these days I do find myself making progress and talking more with others.

Having gone through this journey for more than 10 years, I noticed I have begun to ignore what others might think about my thoughts, which are beyond my control. I can think logically and function well despite what goes on in my mind, which can be physically and mentally draining. I now understand that my mind can have mean, embarrassing, dark, and nasty thoughts, and that I can also interpret things differently. I will not let it deter me.

Be brave, show up, and put in the effort to have conversations. It will help you along the way. In the past, I would stay away from people because of the intrusive thoughts, and I was scared to go outdoors. I feel differently now, as the intrusive thoughts will be there, anyhow. I will no longer avoid social situations, as I think I am handling them well.

Overall, I was glad I made the trip to send my uncle off. May he rest in peace.

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