Delusions & Suspicions That I Experienced

What is a delusion?

A delusion is a false belief but perceived to be true. It generates misleading perceptions that bring discomfort and confusion to the person having it. It may be challenging for him/ her to get out of it due to the inability to differentiate between what is true and what he/ she perceives to be true. He/ she is usually unable to differentiate between reality and delusions.

What is a suspicion?

A suspicion is a feeling of skepticism or thought that brings about distrust. For example, when someone close treats me kindly, I start to question whether there is a motive behind the action. I am not convinced that he/ she is actually being genuine. My thoughts roll into a motion of mistrust.

When I was first diagnosed with schizophrenia, I had no idea that I was having delusions. I was petrified as I felt that I was losing my sanity. There were times when I turned around, I heard sounds of helicopters flying by. I also thought that my thoughts were being broadcasted through loudspeakers. I feel as though everyone could hear my thoughts. I hear voices of random people. For a period of time, I heard voices of about 20 to 30 people at the same time. It was indeed overwhelming and causes me much distress. Later on, I learned that these delusions are quite common among schizophrenics. Having delusions cause discomfort especially if it hits when I am in the company of others.

My delusions went as far as made me believe that wearing a cap with coins pasted on it could help blocked the sound waves and that having paddings on the walls would silence the voices. Bizarre method like lobotomy which I have never heard of before, or using some electrical means to cure the brain condition would even make sense to me as I was desperate for a cure. There was this delusion where I shuddered with fear as I feel as though cameras were stationed everywhere in my house.

In my delusion, I thought that I could control the voices through negotiation or by projecting some virtual reality thoughts. I was so distressed as I felt that radio stations were broadcasting my thoughts. I recall trying to catch them broadcasting about me. I was also deluded that people on the television were responding to me in real-time. I feel as though they could hear my thoughts and were conspiring against me.

It does not end there. I used to have a delusion where I possessed a superpower that I could hear voices through walls. On the other hand, I feel scared to turn around if I hear voices behind me. I used to try and guess the distance of cars away from me without turning around to gauge if I could guess correctly.

I also had suspicions that the entire neighbourhood was talking behind my back and plotting against me. When I hear the slamming of car door, I interpreted it as the neighbour was angry with me. Every night, I hear sound of thick metal chains being dragged across the roads whenever I try to fall asleep. I was very disturbed as these incidents happened often. My brain also interprets the barking of dogs as human laughter.

After my relapse, I went through different kinds of phases that come with different negative symptoms. I noticed a change in my taste buds occasionally. I also experienced having a pungent urine taste in my mouth. I was so afraid and kept praying until the taste dissipated. Besides that, on some occasions, I had sensations of my private part being violated.

I learned that these are all false beliefs, just delusions. The suspicions were all unfounded. These are the negative symptoms of schizophrenia which causes fear and anxiousness. To others, this may seem bizarre but this is how my brain is trying to make sense of things as I am differently wired. Although I still have delusions, they are milder. Thankfully, I am now able to differentiate between what is true and what is perceived to be true.

One of the main reasons I wrote this article is to let you warriors know that you are NOT ALONE. It is very common for schizophrenics to experience such delusions and suspicions although it may vary with each individual. My other purpose is to create awareness using my personal experiences that schizophrenics go through such delusions and suspicions. Hopefully, this may help you to better understand your condition and lessen your fear. Do not ruminate trying desperately to figure out what is happening.

I have written an e-book of poems giving an insight into my true-life experiences battling schizophrenia. This is not just a book of poems – it is a voice in the dark, a desperate hand reaching out for help in times of darkness when everything seems to be against the odds, exploring the pain and emotional stress caused by delusions and suspicions, the isolation and a journey of progress. It is written with heartfelt sincerity to bring solace and warmth to our warriors besides spreading awareness and understanding of this mental health condition. If you are interested, you may check out the website below:

Shattered Rhythm Of My Mind
https://schizowarriors.gumroad.com/l/janejang?

I was extremely desperate back then and was influenced by the information that was available online. The more I try to find out about the delusional thoughts, the deeper I fall. I feel trapped and even more lost than before. Therefore, please do yourself a favour. DO NOT GOOGLE regarding your delusions or your symptoms online. It might further deepen your delusions and suspicions leaving you more confused than ever. Seek professional help if the going gets tough. Talk to your psychiatrist instead. He/ she is the best person to advise and guide you. It is also advisable to talk to a psychologist or therapist to find ways to better manage your condition.

It is not an easy journey, as we all know. It is painful and distressing going through the cycle of mental loops. Based on my personal experience, spend time focusing on yourself and your growth. Take your medication on time daily and carry out activities to keep progressing.

“Don’t let pain define you, let it refine you.”