When You Feel Like Giving Up

I am sure that the thought of giving up crossed your mind especially when the journey is rough. I am no different. I do have debilitating thoughts off and on during this decade of battling schizophrenia. There were many times when I was crushed by my thoughts. Initially, it was the fear of being alone in this journey. Then, shameful and intrusive thoughts of being pressured surfaced which lead to thoughts of uncertainty about the future which somehow spiral to thoughts of traumatic events of the past kept replaying. The thoughts just go on randomly.

When I was first diagnosed, I was so lost and scared as I thought this mental health condition was totally incurable. I shed a sea of tears many times trying desperately to understand and make sense of what was happening. I also suppressed my feelings as I had a tough time expressing myself. Since then, I faced many challenges and struggles daily that left me totally drained mentally and physically. Looking back, one thing I did right was to seek professional help almost immediately and learned that the symptoms are manageable with medication. With that understanding, I worked together with my psychiatrist and over time, my condition improved. I began to carry out daily activities effectively.

Back then, I was so lost. I had no dreams or purpose and was clueless about what I could do to build my future. For years, I was struggling with peer pressure besides being stuck in my emotional loop and poor mental health condition. During the Covid pandemic, I suffered a relapse which left me totally in my own world for about 4-6 months. I could hardly hold a conversation, neither could I respond to my family. My days were spent sewing felt dolls and keeping to myself besides crying.

I had difficulties to even get up from bed. There were many occasions where I was just going through the days unfeelingly. I was lost and living without hope or motivation. I was unable to do simple things like making my bed. I do not even have enough energy to last an entire day. A simple chore like ordering grocery online was so tough that it left me crumbling in tears. It was just difficult to function normally. I was having conflicting thoughts which made no sense, highly sensitive to sounds, had trouble going outdoors and assimilating into society. I feared the crowd and would cry each time after coming home. It was indeed a bleak and harsh period of my schizophrenic journey.

I put in a lot of effort for self-care over the years. I created a daily routine for myself which I make sure to fulfil without fail. The routine includes journaling, drawing, painting, reading, learning languages and even exercising which is the most difficult to pull off. I set aside time for a cup of tea in the middle of the day where I slow down and sit back to relax. Lately, I included dance and vocal lessons into my schedule. I am also learning how to play music using an electric keyboard. It helps me to loosen up when I feel tense. All these effort are not wasted as I can see the progress I achieved. Of course, I also have my family to thank for being supportive and staying by me all this while, guiding and helping me up when I stumble and fall along the way.

Over the years, I began to accumulate skills and build resilience to carry on despite facing obstacles every now and then. I learn to persevere and deal with the challenges caused by this mental health condition. I choose to be strong in the face of adversity. I must admit that I am still a work in progress. However, I also acknowledge that I have come a long way to become who I am today.

We warriors will continue to move forward with strength and courage!

“Never give up on yourself because there is so much for you to keep giving!”