When I was first diagnosed with schizophrenia, I kept hearing voices playing like a broken record almost daily. It was very annoying, painful, and traumatising for me. Out of nowhere, I would cry sorrowfully as if someone had passed away. If not, I would think of running away from home.

I went through emotions and mood swings that felt like roller coaster rides. I felt like an onion having its layers peeled off one by one and left raw and exposed. It was like being scrutinised and monitored by 20-30 voices at the beginning. The voices gradually lessened. Over the years, I went through many different symptoms, each of them just as difficult to manage.

Back then, they would harass me when I was showering, passing humiliating remarks, and body-shaming me. I hated to shower as I always ended up crying, and my self-esteem crumbled. The voices tested me until I was at my wit’s end. Their push-and-pull method had me confused, troubled, and broken. When the going got rough, I felt they backed off a little as if showing me some kindness. Of course, I understood now that it was because I was distracted while carrying out my daily activities and did not concentrate on them.

When I had a relapse a few years ago, the voices tested and provoked me daily. I felt them digging into my past, using it to taunt me. This further added to the trauma I was undergoing. These emotional cycles would continue endlessly. However, at some point, I became attached to them for no particular reason. I actually felt disturbed and uneasy when I did not hear them. After all, they had been a part of me for more than a decade. I was utterly confused and began to question their intention. Are they actually helping me, I wonder? Deep down, I know they are not!

Browsing online exposed me to posts that are either encouraging or insinuating. I felt that everything I browsed would relate to me. This is really damaging to my mental health, I know. When I feel sorry for myself, the feed that pops up will show people around the world suffering. I would feel cornered and pressured to apologise because of the comments by the voices. I feel that they would only loosen their hold on me after that.

Ever since a few years ago, I have been blessed with material things, food, love, and attention from my family and people I know. I am treated with kindness and patience wherever I go. The voices bring false beliefs, pain, and tears. However, my reality is really good. I am very grateful to have my family fully supporting my journey and to all the good samaritans out there who made my day in one way or another.

Now, after a decade, the voices only appear during certain moments. I embrace the peacefulness and quietness now, without question. Unfortunately, I am haunted by yet another challenge. My racing thoughts are giving me a headache. I will have no choice but to persevere and work myself through this hurdle. I will continue with my routine while finding a way to manage them.

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Let’s manage Schizophrenia together.

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