Thoughts Brewing In My Mind
To further understand how my mood swings affect me when my mind gets clouded by intrusive thoughts, let me walk you through my day.
I went for a short trip away from the city. The day started well. I had enough of sleep and woke up eagerly looking forward to the buffet breakfast. The breakfast was hearty, with a good variety of my favourites. I had two cups of their signature tea while enjoying a conversation with my mother.
The place was slowly filling up as there were companies having events, as I later found out. When this dawned on me, my mood started to change. Discomfort started to surface when I realised I was slowly surrounded by a huge crowd of people. I struggled to continue eating quickly while courteously trying to focus on the conversation with my mother. I was listening but yet not really taking in what was said. It was indeed tough as the crowd sounds mixing with the voice of my mother leaves me frazzled. My inner thoughts told me to appear as normal as possible while I waited for my mother to finish her breakfast. All the while, I was looking really normal and nonchalant on the outside but this was how I actually felt on the inside.
As I walked out of the breakfast place, I begin to feel more at ease and start to relax. I felt free and could finally breathe. We went around the hotel to take some nice pictures as we will be checking out later. I had to brave myself to handle the checkout process. We went into the elevator with two other guests, and that made me uncomfortable. I slightly fumbled when I got out and proceeded to order a Grab ride. I was able to remain courteous and cordial with the kind grab driver. The intrusive voice told me not to be scared and was rather reassuring for the first time.
We reached the new hotel and was greeted with kindness. Since we arrived early, we had to wait as our room was not ready. As we had time on our hands, we headed to one of the largest mall in the city. During the ride, the driver made some gesture towards another car driver for no particular reason and was muttering under his breath. My mother and I felt uncomfortable. He was also wiping off his sweat with a piece of cloth. We were relieved when we finally arrived at the mall.
We walked around looking for a restaurant as we were hungry. We decided on one of our favourites. We found a table at the furthest corner and placed our orders. We told the waitress our requirements but somehow, the waitress messed it up. When the soup was served, it was not hot. It was such a put off.
After some time, I found we were surrounded by people from other tables. It was just very uncomfortable trying to talk to my mother, seeing her face between two other people sitting at the table behind her. It was like talking to 3 people. I tried to adjust my body to block at least one person’s face. I had to dine quickly and leave. While making the payment, my thoughts were mean. I felt the cashier could hear my thoughts, so I apologised in silence.
We walked around the mall after that and saw plenty of restaurants. I felt some were insinuating. My mother walked into a bakery with me tagging behind. I stood aside, folding my arms as I was in a foul mood by then. I did not want to look around. I felt as though the voices were mocking me by testing how I would react in crowded areas. It also felt like the voices knew I would pick that particular restaurant where we had lunch, after that expose me to other restaurants at the mall to taunt me (it is the subtle insinuations).
We stopped by a coffee shop. The place was super crowded. We were shown to a table between two other tables filled with people. My mother asked if it was alright for me. I told her it was fine. Surprisingly, it was slightly easier this time although it lasted only a while. I had intrusive thoughts of being mean to my mother and words like “bitchy people”. I became uncomfortable gradually until I screamed slightly to reassure myself. On the way back to the hotel, I was so pissed with the voices. I became irritated and ranted in my mind. Again, I apologised to the Grab driver in my mind as I thought she could hear my intrusive thoughts.
The balance between trying to look normal, having a conversation with my mother, getting used to crowd noises, assimilating into the surroundings while trying not to break or freak out is draining after dealing with this condition for over a decade. It takes up a lot of my energy, patience and perseverance.
When we reached the hotel, I saw a brochure offering an arrangement for a picnic and a body massage package which includes a foot massage. I was more interested with the foot massage, actually. As I walked to enquire about the package, I realised there was no air conditioning along the corridor, which is so unheard of in a hotel. It was stuffy. Reaching the spa, I told the person-in-charge that I needed a foot massage and a simple shoulder massage instead of the full body massage as mentioned in the package. Her body language told me she was not happy at all with my request, with reason best known to herself. I was annoyed with her rudeness and walked off without making an appointment.
Mean thoughts were gathering as I showered. I got irritated as I thought that the incident at the spa was done on purpose to irritate and annoy me. In my mind, I felt as though I was made use of. I also felt that itineraries I planned seemed repeated. I felt that places I have never visited before seemed familiar.
I ended up tearing, lying in bed. I did not talk to my mother at all. The voices demeaned, mocked, laughed at me and forced me to apologise. I was so overwhelmed and had slight difficulty in breathing during that time. It was tough trying to calm down. My sister called and told me to do some breathing exercises which I did. I hate the voices a lot!
Throughout the day, no one suspected that I was having poor thoughts until after my shower. My appearance on the outside looks normal although I was fighting an invisible battle inside. I was already trying my best to grapple and hold my emotions together since breakfast. I can say that I did well though, as in the past, I would have already cried buckets from the very beginning. These days, it usually occurs after my shower. This whole day may be summed up as one of the better days in managing my condition over the decade.
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