Racing Thoughts I Deal With Daily

Quite often, I catch myself ruminating and overthinking throughout the day. The intrusive racing thoughts range from being embarrassing, sexual, horrible, dangerous, or just nonsensical. They tend to be sticky and stay for some time. I try to control these diabolical thoughts to stop the flow, but it ended up getting worse. I find myself being defensive, vehemently denying the racing thoughts. That made things worse than they actually are. My therapist once advised me to imagine myself as the sky and the thoughts as clouds. The best way is to be nonchalant and let the thoughts flow like clouds in the sky or like water in a river.

My mind churns out nonsensical thoughts that affect my well-being. The thoughts made me apologetic for no apparent reason. I noticed that such thoughts increased each time I am provoked or insinuated, either by the voices or materials that I am exposed to online. I admit this is bad for my mental health, but I cannot seem to pull myself away from such platforms, much as I try.

The existence of these thoughts made me feel as though the radar of my brain is malfunctioning. They cloud my mind most of the time, making me uneasy and upset. This affects me in many ways, but somehow, it has never prevented me from functioning normally in my daily life. I am grateful I can carry on with my daily activities despite the confusion brewing in my mind.

Despite being neurodivergent, I still have dreams and goals that I wish to achieve. However, each time I rest or do less, I feel bad even though I do not need to. Even when everything is done for the day, I feel I did not do enough. I would brand myself as lazy. I constantly feel the need to continue to do something. I know I have given my best all these years. I do not need to prove to anyone, nor do I need acknowledgement. Neither do I have any regrets along the way. I am proud of where I am today.

Over the years, the thoughts and the voices mocked, made fun of me, caused me to isolate myself, forcing me into situations where I am pressured to apologise daily. They are a nuisance, but it is something that I must learn to live with. Now, I treat them like a broken record that plays in the background, which serves no function in my life.

Despite the chaos, I can actually do anything that I want to. There is still so much that I wish to achieve, and I am doing my best to work towards them. I refused to back down, but instead, strive to have a fulfilling life. I am thankful that I can now enjoy peaceful moments off and on during the day, thanks to my perseverance for more than a decade.