How Social Interactions Can Be Difficult For A Schizophrenic

When I was a child, I was very timid. I could recall hiding behind my mother each time she talked to her friends or the neighbours. I was very polite, courteous, yet shy. I had a happy childhood filled with love.

Ever since I had depression during my college years, I tend to isolate myself from my college mates, for I felt that they were ganging up on me and mocking me for things I do, especially when I write. I had this habit of holding the pen very tightly when writing. I would be very self-conscious that they are talking about me. Therefore, I would write quickly and then drop the pen on the table, placing my hand under the table. This happens like a cycle each time I write.

I felt that they probably found it weird and were making fun of me and laughing. As there was a group of them, I felt as if they were taking turns to steal glances at me as the lesson was going on. I would purposely sit at the back of the class and would quietly finish all my assignments. My lecturer would praise me for my hard work and effort. However, despite that, my mood is low and sometimes depressed. My interactions with my college mates were purely exchanging notes, as there was a language barrier. Fortunately, I would always have one friend in the class each semester. That made my college years bearable.

As the duration of my course lasted 6 months each semester, it became too mundane and repetitive. It made me depressed as well. Around that time, my dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness and subsequently passed away. It was then that I started to hear voices. I would have difficulty getting up from bed and would sometimes lie down on the floor of the utility room with hardly any energy to move. However, daily interactions were not an issue at that time.

During the college holidays, I went to Germany to study the language at Goethe Institute for a month. The course was sponsored by my sister, who was working there. I had no issues communicating with the foreign classmates. In fact, it was a great experience. I could hold short conversations with them, although some of them were lawyers and businessmen. Still, there were times when I would feel awkward, not knowing why. Hence, I would isolate myself in a corner or in the restroom to eat a snack. At times, I do have my suspicions that they were talking about me in the classroom.

After coming back from Germany, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I was afraid and skeptical. I thought that was it and that there was nothing to be done. The symptoms hit hard, causing various dark thoughts. Thanks to a good psychiatrist and his care, I was able to live life as normally as possible. I can hold conversations like any other, if needed. By nature, I am on the quiet and timid side. Unless necessary, I would not be actively engaged in conversation. From 2016 to 2019, I was able to work in the corporate world and functioned excellently, although I had suicidal thoughts once during that time.

The COVID pandemic brought about my relapse. It was harsh. I did not feel like talking to anyone. I spent 4-6 months not being able to respond to anyone at all and had panic attacks. My sister had to talk to me for 4 hours or more each day to get a single response from me. All I could do was sew felt dolls and cry most of the time. I stared and zoned out a lot, and do not have the will to get up at all. I used to ask my mother if there would ever be any future for me, as I was worried. I felt that there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Most nights, I would stay awake visualising a small light in the dark room.

Fast forward a decade, daily interactions with others vary according to my mood swings. When I am in a foul mood, I isolate myself, saying I hate everyone. This has somehow become a norm as my mood swings were like a roller coaster ride. I would break down and cry bitterly and sorrowfully as if someone had passed away. I would think people online are making fun of me. After some time, when the mood had passed, I would be fine. These days, my mother gives me my personal space to calm down. I also tend to stay up in my office most days till nighttime. Thankfully, for the understanding of my supportive family, I can keep moving forward in my journey.

Frankly, it had been tough for me ever since Christmas. It is one of those tougher days. Before working on this article, I broke down. However, I still carried on with my activities, playing the keyboard, did some work on social media, drew a Chinese ancient artwork, and learn another language. Although the days are difficult, I try not to let them stop me from progressing. I can still function, but I mutter to myself to release stress (I only do that when I am alone). Sometimes I do cry when the emotional jug is filled to the brim.

Despite all this, this year has been nothing short of amazing for me, for I experienced pride and joy. I wrote an e-book of poems on my lived experiences as a schizophrenic. You may want to check it out here. I have progressed and achieved even more. This is a successful year for me. Overall, I feel very blessed.