Anger Caused By The Voices

Ever have the feelings of anger towards just about everyone? Ever felt you have lost trust in people? Asking why is it me when you feel the sense of betrayal breaks your soul? Feeling helpless because you see no light at the end of the tunnel? Feel the meanness of the voices spewing negativity breeds hurt and hatred in you? You are not alone.

There were countless times I got so angry with the voices spewing contradicting facts that affected me and those close to me. I cannot help but be drowned by them as they really took a lot out of me. After more than 10 years, out of anger and frustration, I cursed at the voices. Their existence and the negativity they spewed bring me endless heartache.

In my delusions, I cannot help but start to wonder about the motives of both the voices and people in general. I try to figure out how they could hurt someone who is just trying her best to navigate through life daily, given the condition and circumstances. I realised that the more I think about it, the more I would spiral downwards. I told myself to steer away from that path, if possible.

No one can understand the pain, hurt, and shame I endured, even after so many years of inner work. I will not deny there were times when it was really tough to handle my tumultuous mind, causing me to break down in frustration, hurt, and anger. I am only human, after all.

However, thinking logically after calming myself, it is really not worth investing any emotion in the voices. The negative feelings I harboured due to the contradicting facts will only cause more harm. Although my heart feels heavy and crushed, I tell myself it is better to ignore them whenever I can and move on. After all, I am betting on my future self and not on the mean voices.

One advice that I wish to give to warriors out there is that no matter how angry you are at the voices or people, DO NOT act it out! I understand that we sometimes may burst out in anger, but it is not wise to turn our thoughts into actions. I firmly believe that if we are not in control of our feelings, the consequences will not be favourable, especially if we put our thoughts into action.

As for me, throughout my journey, I am thankful that I expressed my thoughts and voiced out my opinions, although at times, it may hurt other parties unknowingly. Back then, when I was at my lowest, I would unleash my anger by drawing angrily, showing a sour face, crying heart-wrenchingly, and had feelings of running away from home. There were times when I felt that I was going crazy. The fear that followed the anger crept in just like that.

DO NOT let your anger towards the voices or people take over your life. It is a long battle, as we all know. Remember, DO NOT walk the path your anger leads you. Try to de-escalate instead. Start by doing breathing exercises before going on to other activities like doodling or drawing, for example. I am not saying it is easy, but do give it a try. Who knows, you may find what works for you along the way.

Hence, work together with your mental health professionals to find out what medication works best. That being said, take your medication daily, preferably at the same time. Despite us warriors being wired differently, we are deserving of a good life and are worth it. We deserve to live life in a fulfilling manner.

Just to share with you, I am currently reading “The Center Cannot Hold” by Professor Elyn Saks. I find it inspiring as it gives me a lot of hope. Professor Elyn has schizophrenia, but it does not stop her from carving a very successful life for herself. Her courage and determination are very admirable. I would highly recommend this book to you, warriors. What is better than reading an autobiography of one who is living with schizophrenia and excelled through it?

If you would like to know more about my journey as well, you may check out my e-book of poems titled “Shattered Rhythm Of My Mind by Jane Jang” here. It encompassed my experiences of living with schizophrenia throughout a decade. A combat kit is available on the website. You may download it for free.