Living With Anxiety and Agoraphobia

Being diagnosed with schizophrenia in the beginning stages, I had terrible bouts of anxiety as well as agoraphobia. I had much difficulty being outdoors as the feelings of anxiety overwhelmed me tremendously. Being in crowded places especially made me panic or feel anxious. Besides that, I avoided being in proximity to others as I believed they could hear my thoughts. I had to deal with the suspicions that they were talking about my condition and were laughing at me. Hence, I would always end up crying upon reaching home. Being outdoors drained me mentally, and I needed several days to recover after each outing.

I had difficulties stepping out of my house. It was so bad that each time the door was opened, racing thoughts washed over me like tsunami waves. It was nearly impossible for me to be outdoors. I used to get into conflicts with my mother each time we needed to run errands. I would either end up crying or showing a sour face. I would look aloof and angry while waiting for my mother outside the market, as going into the market was a big no-no due to the crowd. However, going out together with my mother in the beginning helped build my courage and confidence.

Queueing to make a payment at a supermarket was such a daunting task, as anxiety slowly built up while I was patiently waiting for my turn. I would pick up bad habits like picking my skin or mumbling to myself due to anxiety. My mother would painstakingly remind me not to do so whenever she saw me doing it. Along the way, I found that using earphones when I am outdoors helped calm my nerves and ease the anxiety.

However, much as being outdoors terrified me, being at home was not better. While at home, I felt trapped and unsafe, and wanted to run away. I felt monitored. Each time while taking a shower, I pleaded with the voices to stop hurting me while crying tearfully. I had to crouch while washing myself, and this went on for almost a year. Every bath time was pure torture. It was traumatising, to say the least. However, I persevered as I did not want the voices to stop me from taking care of my hygiene.

Over the years, I allow myself the small luxury of buying nice soaps and shower gels to make my shower experiences more pleasant. At times, I use a loofah sponge to scrub myself clean, although I usually do not want to spend much time in the shower. After that, I would feel better about myself. However, if I am having a tough time, taking care of my hygiene eats up a lot of my energy. Carrying out simple self-care tasks like putting on a mask, doing a facial scrub, or washing my hair becomes a chore. I would feel so drained and have to push myself to put in additional effort to ensure my hygiene is not compromised.

I always had thoughts of running away from home due to the incessant voices that kept drumming in my head. There was no peace at all. I heard the voices chattering and discussing my condition. Having suspicions that my neighbours were plotting against me did not help either. During nighttime, I heard as if chains were being dragged back and forth along the roads, rendering me unable to fall asleep. I was fearful and tearful, feeling so helpless. Anxiety hits hard during those times, and I would cry myself to sleep.

The humming of the condenser of the air-conditioner would trigger my anxiety if it were too loud. It would pierce through my heart as I was sensitive towards even the slightest sound. It caused discomfort and made me anxious.

Holding a conversation was difficult because I felt monitored by the voices. You know, the creepy feeling of an unwanted audience that follows you everywhere? I wanted to protect myself from them. Hence, I found it very taxing trying to focus on the conversation with the voices in the background.

While dining outdoors, I would often hurry through the meal as I wished to leave the place fast. I realised that my anxiety becomes worse if I remain stagnant in a place for a period of time. Numerous times, I would just burst into tears while eating. Thus, my mother and sister came up with an idea for me to dine in again at the same restaurant where I teared. Over time, it slowly built up my resilience to dine in public without fear.

I am now able to go outdoors quite freely with my family, whether it is to dine or just be outdoors. Besides doing breathing exercises, I listen to soothing music on my mobile while I am outdoors. Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I will excuse myself and move away for a breather. I find that having a conversation helps to distract my mind and makes me focus on the present. I no longer walk around feeling low or afraid of people. I understand now that everyone minds their own business. It is a blessing that life has become better, and I have made many new experiences over the past couple of years.