The Options I Thought I Was Left With

Looking back, when I was first diagnosed with schizophrenia, I was desperate to get rid of the voices. I was lost as to what I could do to silence them. I was left with limited options. Had I given up back then, I would have led a totally different life from what I am living now.

I thought of moving to a different country, doing random stuff. My thoughts were quite adventurous now that I think about it. I thought of migrating to Ireland to teach English, going to Korea to enrol at a university to study the Korean language, plucking fruits in Australia, becoming a cashier in Germany, and even ending my life in Switzerland. The options that were in my thoughts were bizarre.

Desperately, I just wanted to get away from my house, as I thought the voices appeared only when I was at home. I was ready to take on any job out there just so I could move away from home and stay out. Going to a co-working space daily after I quit my job was also one of the options I had in mind. I was game to try anything just so I did not need to stay at home.

I found myself trying to email psychiatric hospitals to ask about the procedures on how to handle my admission into these mental institutions. Not to mention the fear I had and the helplessness I felt each day. I felt I was losing my sanity and was prepared for the worst. I was trying to grasp onto anything that could save me from the voices.

I thought of doing things I normally would never do, like colouring my hair blue, shaving my locks, riding a motorbike, and wearing knee-high goose socks. I was very into products depicting goose at that time. Besides, I even imagined myself marrying my favourite Korean star and living in California.

However, the one thought that tops the cake was running away to an unknown temple in South Korea, shaving my head bald, waking at 4 am daily, doing 1,000 salutations, and sweeping the temple floor for the rest of my life. It is not at all wrong to have thoughts of becoming a nun, but it was a close call as I nearly acted upon the thought and made an impulsive decision. I thought that if I were to live in solitude somewhere far away, I could distance myself from the voices.

The desperation to leave home was real. I felt that my house was no longer safe for me. I felt like I was being watched all the time. I would shake with fear and had to crouch in tears while showering. I even plugged my ears each time while in the toilet. It was humiliating and traumatising!

In the past, whenever I needed a break to get away from the house, I would stay at a hotel in the city for a few days. While a different experience and environment helped in the beginning stages, it lost its purpose after some time, as the negative symptoms of being depressed, anxious, and stressed came back to haunt me over and over again.

Back then, I was always fearful, suspicious, anxious, depressed, agoraphobic, and experienced deja vu almost daily. What helped was building a routine that makes me feel safe. I told myself that I will not and do not have to run away from the voices. I started hobbies that helped to distract me and created new experiences like going out for meals with family and meeting up with friends occasionally although it drains me. Of course, it did not produce immediate results. However, I refused to back down but continued working towards my goals. I told myself that I am wired differently. While I may not be able to get rid of the racing thoughts and voices completely, I will work on discerning reality from the delusions.

Hence, I persevered and continued to work on myself, refusing to give up. I drew up a routine most suited to my needs, and follow it diligently. I began to expand my activities to reading, drawing, painting, making handicrafts, listening to soothing music, learning languages, playing the piano, journalling, exercising, and wrote a e-book on creating awareness regarding schizophrenia. You may find out more about it here. Oh ya, I started watching dramas recently, with the sound on. Back then, I could not do so at all, as sounds from the television and radio would trigger me.

Now, over the years, I understand what may work to help me better manage my condition. Through trial and error, I came to realise that there is one thing that can help lessen my stress and anxiety. It was after the COVID pandemic. My mother and I had been cooped up at home for a couple of years and felt we needed a break. We decided to go for a staycation in town to take a breather. I had time to slowly soak in the different surroundings, and it gave me the distraction I needed. We have been doing this off and on since then. It is like a therapy of sorts. For me, a change of environment helps to take away the pain and stress in me, albeit temporarily.

These days, I am thankful to be able to go outdoors whenever I wish. I am also able to dine in at restaurants, only if it does not stretch on for hours. I can express my feelings and emotions well compared to before, when all I felt was numbness. I now have goals which I am trying my best to achieve. This year is one of the toughest emotionally, but it is also a year I gained the most.